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Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship Goes To Pizza Hut
By Andrew (Kai-Sun)
The Fellowship stood staring as the mighty doors swung effortlessly open, beckoning them forward. Foreign odors wafted out to meet them, relaying fear and intrigue. Slowly they proceed forth, beyond the doors and to what lay inside, and are greeted with a most peculiar sight. Bright lights flood room, giving the tile floor a brilliant sheen. Tall, grey counters stand silently before them, with a number of tables, chairs, and games take up the space of a small adjoining room to their left.
A quick glance in that direction, and Gimli’s attention is fixed. “Wait, Gimli!” Gandalf exclaims as the Dwarf sets off in a run towards the far corner, where a light shines down from a T.V. in a high corner. Resting his head against the rectangular box, he cries “No...” Gandalf slowly approaches, and wipes dust away from the pinball game “Mines of Moria,” side. “Here lies Balin, son of Hundin, Lord of Moria. So it is true then, insert 50 cents.”
A loud crash sounds shortly after Gandalf finishes, as Pippin slowly backs away from the gumball machine he has knocked over. “Fool of a Took! Knock yourself over next time, and at least give us a good chuckle!” Anger quickly fades to concern and uncertainty on Gandalf’s face, as a great clamor can be heard in the distance. Boromir leans halfway out of the door, and quickly retracts it as a ball comes streaking towards him and bounces violently off the door. “Children!” Legolas says with a sneer, backing towards the hobbits. Quickly running back to help Aragorn arrange the tables to barricade themselves in the small room, Boromir mutters, “They have a Day Care Mom…”
Like the crash of thunder, the doors burst open to admit the flood of miniature terrors. Bouncy balls fill the air as they turn upon the Fellowship, holed up behind their defenses. Aragon and Boromir rush to meet them as they find a breach in the table defenses. A voice like grating rock booms through the air as a rotund woman pushes her way past the doors, purse whirling through the air. Chasing after the Hobbits, the woman swats at child and Fellowship member alike, snatching up bouncy balls as she goes.
Cornering Frodo, she pegs him with, not a regular bouncy ball, but a Super Bouncy Ball. Shortly after the battle ends, Aragorn races over to the hobbit’s limp body, the bouncy ball nowhere to be seen. Shock lances through the room as Frodo’s eyes shoot open, his hand going to his chest. Pulling away his clothing and sliding the mithril vest, not a mark mars Frodo’s chest. “That ball would have bruised a grown-up!” Aragorn remarks, then Gandalf adds, “There is more to this young hobbit than meets the eye.”
Running back towards the doors, the Fellowship gathers in front of the counter. Seeing this, a worker walks up and says, “Welcome to Pizza Hut, how can I help you?” The children’s cries die down, and everything goes silent. “What is this new devilry?” Boromir whispers. The sound of ovens starting echo from deep within. The worker pipes I again with “So, delivery then?”
With a solemn face, Gandalf says, “This foe is beyond any of you…Run!” Mistakenly, they run deeper into the Hut. Gandalf turns to face the ovens as the Fellowship continues on. “You...shall not…cook!” Thrusting his staff at the power cord, he shatters the outlet. And with that, the oven and Gandalf fall into darkness, as the power for that section goes out. Mourning can be heard as what’s left of the Fellowship runs towards the Corridor, where the cook table lies…
Aragorn approaches Frodo, asking “Where is the Ring, we need it to pay for the pizzas. We’re all broke.” “Would you take it? Would you pawn the ring?” Frodo replies. Stepping closer, Aragorn notices Sting’s glowing blade. “Run Frodo, the cooks are coming!” As Frodo dashes off, towards the freezers, Aragorn turns to face the horde before him.
Clenching as much pepperoni and pork topping as he can in each hand, he charges into battle against cooking-guys. Meanwhile, at the other end of the table, Boromir fights to save Pippin and Merry from tomato sauce death. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a breadstick comes soaring through the air, disappearing into Boromir’s mouth. Fighting on bravely, a second, third, and fourth breadstick are eaten by Boromir, joining the first. Walking up to him, the Head Cooking-Guy readies a fifth breadstick, only to be fouled by Aragorn tackling him. Ducking out of the way of the breadstick flung at him, Aragorn grabs a cheesestick and flings it at the Cooking-Guy. He falls to the ground, his stomach full.
“They took the little ones. Frodo? Where is Frodo?” Boromir croaks as Aragorn rushes to his side. “I let him go.” Aragorn replies, then Boromir pulls him closer. “Then you have done what I could not. I tried to take the ring from him, I wanted to pawn it, but…but…I have a credit card. I have failed you.” “You ate well, and bravely. I’ll cover your part of the bill.” “I would have gone with you to the exit, but I cannot go on…right now. I’m too full.” Lying Boromir’s head on an empty box, Aragorn utters, “Digest well, son of Gondor.” Legolas, Gimli and he set off towards tower of boxes.
They come screeching to a halt just shy of them, by the oven. “What is it? What do your Elf eyes see?” Aragorn turns to Legolas, looking this way and that. “The White Wizard.” Leftover breadsticks and toppings crumble and burn as they fling them at the wizard. “It can’t be…” Aragorn says as he looks on in awe. “It is, my good friend.” Gandalf chuckles. “But…how? Those ovens get hot!” Aragorn asks. “I battled the oven until I smote it down upon the tile floor. We battled from the deepest depths to the highest temperatures, and after I defeated it, I lie there, kind of burnt.” He paused. “But then I came back, after getting my robe dry cleaned. We must go now to Box Deep, you are needed there. When it seems darkest, look to the door, in 3 minutes.” After Gandalf finished, they set off…
Thousands of breadsticks and marinara sauce containers fill the air, hitting uselessly upon the boxes of Box deep, as Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli fight of the horde of Drivers from the top of them. Tossing everything they can, they fight bravely to defend Box Deep, until a rather large Driver charges the wall of Boxes, and crashes into them, crumpling a hole in it. Aragorn tosses Gimli into the breach, and then jumps down to battle face-to-face, breadstick box to breadstick box. Just as all seems lost, a bright light fills the pizza hut as Gandalf and 10 of the children charge the enemy Drivers line. While the kids distract them, they escape and make for the doors. Grabbing the two Hobbit Popsicles on the way, they stop once in the safety of the parking lot of Lottsforlowrent.
As they stand there, looking back upon the Pizza Hut, the words Boromir said before they came here echoes throughout their heads. “Not with 100 men could you order there, it is folly.” Shaking their heads, the look around, looking for where to go next.
Two Golden Arches rise up out of the mist in the distance...